Episode 59: The #1 Thing You Need for a Thriving Marriage
It's our second week diving into marriage talk! What would you say is the top thing you need to thrive in marriage? Today I will share mine!
We can connect with people (husband too) on many levels—
Spiritual (things of the Spirit of God—prayer, worship, spiritual growth, etc.)
Intellectual (head or brain, mental connection)
Emotional (heart connection)
Will (choice)
Physical (touching, kissing, making love)
Most powerful connection comes when we connect with our spouse as a whole person: spirit, soul, body.
How to connect spiritually:
read the word together
Pray together
Talk about spiritual things
You can do this on any level—help each other grow from wherever you’re at. Not your job to pull your husband up to your level spiritually, but you can engage his spirit and encourage him (encourage is not a code word for nagging—Proverbs says a nagging wife is like a constant dripping—don’t nag!) Pray for him when you’re not together.
Pray for his hunger for God and things of the Spirit to be whetted
Pray for the Holy Spirit to encounter him in his every day life, and for him to recognize it (look through Scripture—God is constantly meeting people in their every day life: David, Gideon, Peter, James, and John)
How to connect emotionally:
We are emotional beings—just like God is.
He made us in His image, He is full of emotion. We can see it all throughout the Bible. Love, joy, compassion, anger, fierceness, leaping, dancing, nurturing, smashing—God is full of emotion. Makes sense that we would be too.
Sometimes we are taught or shown that emotion is bad—our husbands probably got this messaging too. This is something we need to learn through and recognize. It’s not always easy to change our perception of this. Ask God for leading and wisdom.
Some emotional connection openers:
“I want to care for your heart”
“I’m sorry that happened—it must have made you feel…..”
“I love being your wife”
“I am for you”
Remember “listen to understand”, hear the emotion beneath the surface and acknowledge it (hard day at work, nervous about something, etc.)
Don’t turn it into a mental thing—let it be felt. If there is pain, there needs to be care rather than rationalization. When we put truth directly over pain, it can’t be absorbed. Instead, when we connect emotionally, our hearts open up and then we can connect with and apply truth.
Be open and soft with your husband. Men are designed to initiate, but we can do a lot of encouraging by being open and soft and tender toward them. Be a safe place for them to land. We are not the rescuers (that’s God’s job), but we can create a place in our hearts where they can be vulnerable and know they are safe from derision and judgment.
Proverbs 31:11-12 “Her husband has entrusted his heart to her, for she brings him the rich spoils of victory. All throughout her life she brings him what is good and not evil.”
As a wife, our softness is our strength. This is a sacred role God has made for us. I believe this is part of what God wanted when He said “I will make a helper suitable for him.” Helper is used 13 times in the OT for woman, and close to 70 times for God. It’s a place of strong gentleness.
When I’m open and safe for my husband, and he confides in me, this is one of the things I hold most precious as a wife. This is a role only I can fill in his life.
If you’re not in this place with your husband currently, remember that trust like this is earned, so start today with holding his trust, being a soft place for him to land, and caring for his heart. As he sees you being faithful to him in this way, he will be able to open up more and more. Don’t nag and don’t gossip—you hold room for him—don’t share precious things with your mom or your girlfriends.
How to connect intellectually:
get interested in things he likes
Appreciate the way his mind works differently than yours
Mentally engage with him—join in solving problems, etc.
Choose to connect purposefully (will)
How to connect physically:
Physical relationship in marriage is a gift from God! USE IT
hugs and kisses—initiate if that’s your love language!
Touch
Have fun together
Being physically intimate, making love (more on that in a few weeks)
Pause and greet him when he comes home from work—don’t just give him a list of to-dos or complain about your day
When we can connect on multiple levels, and use our spirit, soul, and body, we are connecting in the most powerful way as a whole person.
QUESTION TIME
How do you take time for romance in your marriage when you have a house full of kids?
Be creative with lovemaking times
nap times, after bedtime, weekend morning, middle of the night, etc.
2. Stoke the “fire” in the midst of life
take a minute for a long kiss
Write a sweet or steamy text in the middle of the day
Squeeze his arm as he passes you
Hold hands
3. If you have childcare available, use it!
weekly date (again, be creative—we used to do early dinner and come home in time to put kids to bed)
View it as an investment in your marriage, not a waste of money or a luxury
4. Take a minute for emotional connection as often as you can (first thing in the morning, before going to sleep at night, etc.)
5. Hug and kiss often! Make out sweetly in front of your kids. You want them to see godly affection in your marriage! Make marriage attractive to our kids. We don’t have to hide from them. Be appropriate, but remember you are teaching them through your actions—we WANT to be their teachers in romance, because the world and Hollywood is ready and waiting to give them all kinds of garbage about what romance means.
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